Did Christmas just go by? Didn’t even notice it…

Many things in this world is hard to live with… But we deal…

There seems to be so much we deal with on a day to day basis and yet, we have to deal with more smaller things? It’s strange how a human brain works. We have the choice to make it simple and just let things go but then there are others who like to just drag things on. But like I said before, people have different mind sets so there is nothing I can do but try and understand them…

My Christmas was literally a normal day… Just at home keeping busy. But the night before felt a little festive as my friends and I had a Christmas meal and just ended the night with cards and watching music videos. It was probably my first time ever spending Christmas Eve with friends and quite honestly, it was worth it. I enjoyed myself. For Boxing Day, I thought I’d make an attempt for the sales. I feel like it was a big mistake! Mind you, I made it to Oxford street at 4pm using the useless London transport! It was really bad! Eventually getting there, walking into several shops was an absolute mess! I could not shop for clothes as it was mostly on the floor; felt like I was shopping in everyone’s filth. I ended up deciding to stop by the nearest coffee shop and having a mocha. Sitting there regretting my action to be at the high street, I felt like I couldn’t go home empty handed so after 30 minutes, I got up and decided to head into HMV and turns out I bought quite a few DVDs! They were surprisingly cheap! Probably bought around 7.
Walking out of HMV, I knew it was time to head home since I’ve accomplished my one mission; not leaving empty handed. The bus was a pain in the arse! It was packed and there was traffic! As soon as I got home, I was so glad to find my bed!

In the gaming section, Battlefield 3 has been revived once again with Trish. With the amount of teamwork and effort we put in, it was something truly amazing! This is why this game beats COD: Black Ops 2, it accomplishes the art of teamwork as well as taking down large vehicles which gives the player a sense of achievement. Don’t get me wrong though since COD does give you teamwork however it does not give as much strategic actions such as reviving teammates. There is a lot of connection and time to think in the game instead of immediate action all the time. It’s definitely a big laugh when driving into walls. In all honesty, COD beats battlefield 3 only when playing multiplayer by one self as it is fast paced and no waiting around. But this is my opinion, playing battlefield 3 on my own feels quite boring. It’s great to have that company.

Looking ahead, I have not continued on about my story as it is work in progress. The whole concept of the story is very nice as it does not require a lot of thinking power. When I want to write, I just write it out. But when I am stuck, I tend to leave it for a few days before thinking of something good to write about.

Moving onto Skype, my brother John and I have come up with some moving progress with the website project. I can in fact see a vision towards the project now. As the design is beginning to look better as the discussions continue, we feel like we are very close to the building phase. There still needs to be a few design tweaks so still a way to go. There even seems to be the mobile version implemented so it is getting there.

It has been a while since I wrote a blog post but it seems like I will continue to write more in 2013. Speaking of next year, I believe that this is a vital one as it is the beginning of the first year without my ex-girlfriend. It will be a tough one as our year anniversary is about to be encountered. So Happy New Year, I hope there will be less pain but more progress! 2013 will be a BLAST!

Analysing…

Looks like we dodged a bullet on the whole “end of the world” business… I guess all the websites dedicated to this day are now obsolete! But I guess we all questioned ourselves the major “what if” questions before the time came. We didn’t fear as such since there are many other stories that did not happen. It’s nice to know what others thought and we probably all treated that day as a normal day in the office… But moving on…
So I’ve been out and about… Drinking and talking… Analysing and thinking… Finalising who I have spent time with… Understanding individuals who don’t make sense to me… It’s fairly certain that although I’ve been under a rock for 6 years, the fact remains the human life has gotten complicated. Troubles… Issues… Forever means nothing to me now. It’s strange! Friends forever? Love forever? We completely over exaggerate our words! Don’t get me wrong because I do the same but because I’ve been bought up in this world, I am part of the system. Following the crowd is not ideal, but realistically, we all follow a line and we just cannot change that fact. Maybe we’re too happy… I cannot understand everyone’s train of thought but I value them. It is a perfect example of unique. Decisions make a person who they are but judging them for that is wrong. There is no right or wrong in this world, it is merely the thought of how they feel at the heat of the moment. I have never hated someone for their judgement but I do get effected by it and questioning another’s judgement isn’t wrong as it is generally a wonder. Where do we stand? We cannot fully understand someone else’s mentality but we can just listen because all us people ever want when we’re in trouble is for someone else to listen. A response is not even necessary. Just sparing time to know that you’re there for them is a big of a gesture already.
I decided to jump back into games a few nights ago and found it rather exhilarating last night. I won in some games but lost in some too. Was an even amount I suppose. But the fact wasn’t because I won that made it good, it was just the fact that I actually dedicated time into turning on my console and play. Speaking of games, I was given a Christmas gift! Resident Evil: Operation Racoon city! I was suppose to get this a while ago but thanks to Kirsty, that’s one off my list. I also went into investing money for a pair of headphones for my Xbox 360. I haven’t tried it just yet but I am going to give Battlefield 3 a shot with them!
For these next few days, I need to come up with a schedule to motivate myself. I need to get back to my projects and play games more. It has all been so slow for me but I have a few New Years resolutions but I need to finalise them! It has not been a great year but I definitely need to improve myself.
Merry Christmas you guys! Hope you are all well and have a great one! Share the experience with people who value you…

Thought process…

It’s incredible when friends have your back. They were once strangers but then they become a big role in your life. I’ve spent a huge mass of time lately and met quite a few new individuals allowing me to learn more about other areas of perceptions. We all have different trains of thoughts. This is what makes everyone unique and that’s what makes it vital when one needs advice. Hearing one opinion isn’t always the best one… Because they have their own way of thinking. You need to gather several before finalising your own. You can of course make your own however, it could be very difficult. This is where I believe music comes in as a huge role in life. These artists are somewhat going in the same spiral and therefore, allows them to write amazing lyrics for others to hear them out. I wish I could write lyrics but finding the right wording and rhymes is not the way I was built so I’ll leave it to the experts. Don’t go through your life alone because you are not alone. You have others but it’s up to you whether you would like to discard them or keep them. Keeping in touch with people can be hard but make the effort.

Productivity has been really slow lately. I haven’t done much programming in a while. I’ve been either too busy or lazy. I guess you could say this week is another week of rest and I guess I need it… Probably tonight I will just fire up one of my consoles, put my feet up and play some games. It’s been a while since I’ve done that. Mind you, my last gaming moment was on Sunday. Generally, it is really hard to motivate yourself when you have a full time job.

So I’ve begun writing out a story as a new project. This is obviously just a mini project to see where I go with it. It is pretty much slow progress but all I do is type it out in the mornings which is why my blog posts are being released slower than usual… The story is very much in its beginning stage and it is my first time ever writing something like this. I am definitely not a writer but I’ve always wanted to type out a story and let others read it. It rather brings a projection of myself. Writing and throwing a character into a random situation teaches us new perceptions in ways we can solve them.

Believing is very hard. Us people are so impatient. Have patience… Things will turn out right…

At the Christmas party!

What a crazy night!

Monday night involved dinner, wine and whole load of dancing! It’s strange how the people you see everyday become a whole new person when stepping out of the environment of an office… As well as me. They all saw a whole new me that night. With a whole load of talking and laughing through dinner, and downing a few glasses of wine, my mouth just kept flapping. I could not stop even if I wanted to. Something in my gut told me “let loose” and I sure did! Giving these people the opportunity to see who I really am was all I wanted and probably needed. After dinner and downing a few wine glasses, I began to raise my voice and the tables shifted for the floor to be danced upon. Knowing me, I approached it as though there was no tomorrow. I met a few new faces and people I’ve seen in the office but never spoke to them bought me to put my arm around them and just jump to the beat. At one point, I even ran into people who didn’t even work with us and telling them to dance as well! Running around like a mad man, I bumped into the bar with others about to take shots as well; one of them ended up in my face, I took it, downed it, then ran off again. I also remember knocking some guys glass to the floor forcing me to get another one for him… For this reason, the bar stopped me from ordering myself a drink. Sighs. But maybe it was for the best otherwise I would have been too wasted to remember! Jumping back to the dance floor, I ended up being lifted off the ground and thrown up in the air. People sitting down making me drag them back to the stage again. I even sat down at one point and people dragging me back on. It was a night to remember… The night ended with just a bunch of cabs!

So generally I wonder what this night was really about. Usually, I am not this lively but this time I was. It was about time I had this much fun and forget what other people think of me. We will all be judged at least once from someone. Why be fake and sit being scared of all the judgemental eyes? It’s all about living. I am still being taught the ropes in this world and I’ll never ever learn everything. I was raised learning how important image is. Well, I’ve completely changed that train of thought! I live a more exciting way now… Although it does question where this is all leading to but as I go along, it’s written in history…

So keep the world excited! You never know what comes tomorrow…

Bad news…

Saturday morning… Not the best news I wanted to hear…

So there I was, waking up knowing that I have passed the hours and minutes of my occasional mornings in the weekdays that I must wake to get to work. Knowing I have this amount of sleep is just the greatest feeling! But I recently heard the most harshest news. It was complete heart break… I feel betrayed. I feel like it is confirmation… And maybe the closure I need to get these feelings out of my system! I’m pretty sure that it is clear as day what I’m talking about so I won’t say directly. I thought that somewhere in the long run, we were going to work out perfectly fine. It just means you are over it. Didn’t take you long huh? I am absolutely lost. My goals are all so blurry now. I just need to be out and get rid of these feelings. I am sick and tired of feeling one thing when the other disregards your feelings! I haven’t moved one step forward… Not even one! And you? You’ve hurt me… I feel destroyed!

Why do I do this to myself? Why am I so nice to others? Is this what happens with my good intentions? Thinking I will receive a blessing when I least expect it? I am meeting my friend. He is technically the only person who understands as he has recently experienced the same mess I’ve been through. Being out of the house just makes me take my mind off all the terrible things that currently corrodes my only thoughts that keeps me going.

Observing such randomness happening around me just indicates that although shit is happening in my life, time goes on and as obvious as that sounds, it is sometimes hard to see that fact. Given this opportunity to see this, I understand that time heals the broken heart but sometimes, it can be expensive just sitting there wondering when you can get up and do something about it! You can sit in the corner and cry or you can get out there and smile. Do something or nothing. Pain or gain. I was going to head off home after meeting my mate and he kept saying to go out. How right he was. I decided to stay out and it was great.. Although I know I’ll think about it again, just being out with a few friends, and talking to others just made me forget for the night.

All I ever do is try…

End of the world?

End of the world? What are you saying?
A conversation took place about the end of the world at work with theories thrown into the talk. But despite upon the hypotheticals, no matter what the situation arrives on the day, the question narrows down to just the one: “what would you do?” This was a difficult question but I had one answer which immediately came to mind! Give “her” a call to see if she is ok. I question myself why but its absolutely my only instinct I feel is certain… But what do we know? Even if its a hypothetical, it doesn’t necessarily mean we will do that particular action. As I’ve discovered, we talk, but having it executed is a new story… Although there was one guy who was persistently thinking logically and not answering the question directly, I wonder what he would do… Seriously! (You know who you are…).
In general, thinking about what can happen is terrifying. What if it really does happen? What if my life is about to end? Have I done everything to accomplish what I need to do? I always keep thinking there is tomorrow but what if tomorrow didn’t come? I regret many things but I know for a fact that my friends and family have supported me. I guess if I had the opportunity for my last day to live, I would find everyone who listened to my story, and thank them for everything. And no… Facebook is not genuinely the way to express these feelings… Telling these specific people is very important and must be said in person… They gave advice, they shared their stories, they led me to where I am today. But more importantly, I want to thank my 6 year relationship. She really taught me just how simple life can be, how easy it is to just feel, to appreciate, and to give… And today… I have learnt to never give up! Even if it means the end of the world is approaching us…
My mind is cramming full of thoughts. Releasing my words on here just displays a log for me to read back on. Maybe when I am in a better place in the near future, I can look back at all of it and just smile… Sometimes, I just want to head down to the fortune teller and find out my fate but knowing the end of a movie is not what life is about. Just following your instincts and hoping they are right is the only way to live… Pretty difficult to predict at the heat of the moment if you ask me… This is my way of living and whether it’s right or wrong, it becomes either a burden to my history or a positive step! People can provide some form of advice but just for direction. It doesn’t necessarily mean you have to take it. Never turn your back on those who are trying to help… If anything, thank them. They don’t expect anything back, just the mere thought that somehow, they made a minor difference in their lives…
Life can be complicated but don’t over complicate it!
Appreciate one another… Communicate…

Am I following destiny?

A beautiful dream??
A dream is where your mind jumbles up the random visuals forming a story out of it… Right? I had a dream about her again… She was just by my side but we were running from something. I can’t quite recall what it was. Fighting for the relationship? Fear of letting go? End of the world? Whatever it was, I was happy just holding her hand… I almost can feel it all over again. 7 months?? I feel like we broke up just yesterday… I woke up thinking we were still together but what made me sad was the daunting thought that… We weren’t… It’s hard… I see visions… I see clips… What must I do just to get over it? I just can’t help but question myself if we were meant to be? 
Everyday is a new day… Apparently. Right now, I am meeting a familiar routine. I thought I had everything resolved but it just keeps cropping up! Would you call that a new day? I think I need a change. Something that does not remind me of this road. Paths are what you make it. 
So today, I had the opportunity to start on my online portfolio! It took me long enough as I have procrastinated for too long! My mac interface always displays Dreamweaver opened but my fingers do not want to move! Lazy much?! So I created just the simple template with CSS and HTML. This development is going super slow! I really need to up my game.
Where has the time gone? It feels as though one minute is Monday, and then the next is Friday! It can be good in some ways but it brings the fact that time is running out and nothing is being done about it. This is definitely not a race but with all the truth I can gather onto the table, I really want to leave a footprint in this world for doing something amazing. And in my opinion, I see it as creating an application or game and allow others to use it. As simple as that! I may or may not get recognised by it but I’d be proud just knowing people around the world would appreciate it… Wouldn’t you?
So gaming… Not even a touch. All due to the fact I have become dead tired every single day! What’s going on? If I am not being productive, maybe relieving stress with the use of gaming? Nope! My mind is not focused lately… 
This is a little complicated for me. I’m definitely not complaining but I am wondering what my purpose in this world really is. Am I following destiny or am I doing it all wrong? In my life, I have generally rejected stuff that I thought was the right choice but now, I begin to think twice about it all… 
One way or another, I’ll have to keep rolling forward…. Even if it could be wrong…

Deep thoughts

What is it about this year and relationships?
If there was a statistical graph displaying the quality of relationships, it would be a massive dip in the year 2012. Almost every person I’ve spoken to are going through a rough patch, a spiral or have broken up! Unfortunately, I also am underneath the break up category. Maybe this is the 2012 massacre they speak of… Who knows… But I’ve been told time and time again that something good will come out of it. The key is patience. For those unfortunate people who have been considered in the dip, something good will come out of it… But I’m not promising anything since I’ve seen nothing just yet…
So a few nights ago, it was just one of those times where I spent the night being proud of. I got down to opening up my CV and updating the relative areas. It seems like it is so out of date and just added a few necessary adjustments to look right. I also typed several cover letters since there were some jobs that did not require a CV but just a letter to indicate in words who you are and why you would be of value to the company you’re applying for. This approach seems to be a little personal as it indicates the type of person you are. Applied for several so a pretty decent night… Indicating this, I had no incentive regarding projects and concerned more about where my dream lies in terms of my career…
Moving forward in time, I successfully spent time playing games. Black Ops 2 was my choice of gaming once again. Ideally, it could just be my stress levels that makes me want to just pick up a first person shooter and…. shoot those who oppose me! As bad as that sounds, it keeps me calm and resets my stress level to zero. I do need to start playing a few single player games again. I feel like I want to follow a storyline again instead of the random gaming and shooting the randoms! 
Progress in moving on? Well, when I sit down by myself wondering where I am in my life, I can’t help but return back to where I was happy… It was all the words in the dictionary defining beautiful… Drowning in my thoughts, I cannot stress enough just how stuck I feel. If this didn’t happen, drinking or clubbing would have materialised… So to summarise, my progress is at it’s lowest peak but I have no choice but to strive and hope to see a finish line… I feel stronger but yet weak in some circumstances. It’s been 6-7 months to get over something that was special for 6 years. I’ve been through a lot but it’s no where near enough to get over what I’ve been through! This maybe the biggest challenge of my life so far and will I gain anything after it? Only time will tell…
Discovering deeper to social media, I realised that Blogger, Facebook and Twitter have become a great deal in my life. Thinking back, I always browsed around looking at profiles or other people posting random posts and wondering “why people do it… Post such randomness or stupidness”… Now I see what it really is. For me, it’s therapy. Releasing my thoughts that have been trapped in my mind for years onto a virtual environment. The way for keeping in touch, and knowing that you’re not alone in this world is something so special. Maybe it was obvious for most individuals but there is something you must understand about me… I’ve been living under a rock for years and although I am a web developer, it doesn’t necessarily mean I know how to use it properly the way others do. However, although these technologies are slowly being overrun by businesses and the many people complaining about Facebook’s new terms of advertising, it shouldn’t effect the fact that this space is worth appreciating… Internet has become such a big role in our lives so don’t neglect it… Embrace it!
Lately, I’ve been going out a lot less than I used to. Maybe I’m starting to think a little clearly in terms of money. But when I go out, I tend to never think about money because living the moment is so important! Being with your friends and having a laugh maybe somewhat a small gesture but locking yourself down can be stressing or can make you go crazy. Sometimes, not thinking about the vital stuff is a good thing! Live a little…
Concluding it all? I have no conclusion… I have no answers… But I am living the moment as it comes. One day, I can hopefully define what life is. Some people can try to define it but there’s no definite answer… They can hypothesise… But you live the way you want to… At the end of the day, it is the decisions that make you who you are…

The small things builds up…

Well, no development work done but at least something…
In terms of the project, I have now added some email addresses to segregate the email flow. The domain just makes it feel official that we are starting something great! On top of this, I also added a Twitter account for recognition as well as for the feed; another place of communication… The domain and Twitter is currently private until John and I decide to make it public… However, we are far from done and probably there will be a separate blog for this particular project but I will continue to log my stuff here as it is personal experience that is important to me…
So after doing these small things towards the project, I decided to fire up my Xbox again starting a game I bought a while ago, Deus Ex: Human Revolution. This game starts with a whole load of talking and giving us an idea of how the environment. It was obvious that they were just panning the camera around to show off their 3D developments and animations. Mind you, it reminded me of Half Life 2; slow beginning but packed with action! Later into the game, hell breaks loose and you, Adam, are to head to the facilities and find out what the cause of it all is. So meeting with my first enemy, I died approximately 6 times! Why? Because the controls were so annoying and the sensitivity of the analog was extraordinary slow. However, realising this, I changed the sensitivity level to high and that was all good. But the issue remains in the controls. Trying to get used to it per scene of enemies, I pretty much died in all of them at least 3 times. Frustrated, I had the urge to continue and strive to play since it may just get better and I think it maybe that my comparison to COD: Black Ops 2 and Battlefield got in the way… Speaking of Black Ops, I gave up playing Deus Ex since Karjun invited me to play! Now this was awesome! Karjun, his mate and I all played and me dying so much, I began to start effing and blinding at the screen… About 2-3 games in, I was about to announce that it was my last game but Karjun insisted that we continue until we get a good score… And with that being said, that was the best game I’ve had since I got the game! Now it makes me want to play tonight. But lets see how it goes…
Jumping into bed, I called Lyndsey to see how she was. It was actually such a fun and happy call. The talk ended up very long indeed but a good laugh was what she needed most. I think I delivered… We spoke about a great deal like we did before. How did it all get so complicated? We don’t even talk as much anymore… But I understand she has her things to do so it’s good. 
Life is so complicated but sometimes, small gestures like playing games with friends or just talking with them over the phone can relieve so much stress. 
Appreciate what you have…

Short one…

The familiar icy roads…
Feels like Christmas? No… Reminds me that time is flying faster as usual and what do I have to show for it…? A bunch of experience but zero in the personal projects. The year is approaching to an end. However, I feel next year will be the year of inspiration and motivation! Why? Because all this recovery process was not for nothing. For the past month or so, I have been given an incentive… And it is up to me to execute it all. Although life is short, we do what we can.
So my evening was rather unproductive but I did get to try out Nintendo Land which is kind of nice. Tim has been trying to get me on the Wii U since he got it but I felt motivated to do my projects so I declined for the entire weekend. But last night, I felt like I ran out of energy so I thought I would give it a shot. We played only for a bit though because I felt like I needed to push myself to not be lazy but maybe I should have just let the night flow instead of forcing it…
So the first game we tried was Pikmin… It was one of those adventure games going from room to room, scene to scene… About 10 minutes in, I was already bored. So we changed to the mini Zelda game packed into the Nintendo Land package. This was a better game. It was addictive as we were coursing through the stages involving teamwork. The person with the game pad is the bow and arrow whilst the others in the team hold the normal Wii-mote are the swordsman. I wasn’t fussed or more importantly, I was drained of energy that I think swiping my sword around was the way for me.
I got tired after a while so ended up back in my room just trying to force myself to get some stuff done but my eyes told me otherwise. Not long after, I gave up and called it a day…
Since I had a long night the night before, I just needed to take a bit of a break so I’ll continue this evening and see how it goes.
Something tells me developing will not go as planned. Lets see how it goes…